"THERE IS ALWAYS SOMETHING TO BE GRATEFUL FOR."

It's been a month since my dad died, and almost two since he went into hospital. Today, like most days I lack motivation to do anything. I am struggling to see that there is anything good or right or fair left in the world. I feel angry. I feel resentful. I am unhappy. I am bored. I miss him; I miss our conversations, his laugh, his food, his hugs. I miss his presence in the house. I miss seeing his face, I miss everything about my life before he died, and I cannot understand why this has happened.

I haven't blogged since dad got ill, but recently I've been remembering how happy posting makes me, and how dad wouldn't want me to quit doing something I love because of him. After feeling especially crappy today I browsed pinterest for some happy quotes, and I came across people listing ten things they were grateful for. Here's mine.
  1. My mum. No words needed. I love her.
  2. My family. My mum and I could not have made it though the past two months without their physical and emotional support.
  3. My lemon and my friends. They know who they are and every day is made a little easier by having them to talk to and laugh with.
  4. Books. For letting me escape to another world.
  5. iPhones. For letting me speak to my family/ friends whenever I need to, and see their faces even when they are halfway across the world.
  6. My blog. The people I have met through it and the chance it gives me to say things I couldn't physically say out loud.
  7. My parents good financial sense, that has let us put food on the table and pay the bills even when our situation has changed.
  8. My strength. I don't know where I found it or how long it's going to stay, but it's helped me to organise the funeral, take charge of the paperwork and running of dad's business and make the decision to carry on with University. I have to say I'm kinda proud of myself.
  9. Hugs. Because sometimes someone's touch can say a whole lot more than words can.
  10. The time I got to spend with my dad, the things he taught me and the love he gave me.

2 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry, Nisha! :-( :-( I was missing your posts.

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  2. So sorry to hear about your father :( I was experiencing similar internal feelings a lot last year, and I'd text or email my friends once an hour every hour with something positive that happened within that past hour. It didn't make my problems go away, but it did force me to think outside myself and be more present in the moment.

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